


Saving Planet Earth

by TripleRainbow



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Borderline nonsense, F/F, Fake Dating, Minor Lapidot, jasper is redeemed, now with MORE CHAPTERS
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-23
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-16 20:33:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8116564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TripleRainbow/pseuds/TripleRainbow
Summary: Yellow Diamond is sending forces to earth to clear out the Crystal Gems once and for all. Not wanting to fight another war with Homeworld, Steven comes up with a plan.Jasper and Pearl should pretend to be in love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Haha, its 2 am. Here's some Jaspearl that I probably won't know how to finish. Idea is kinda stolen from the episode Food Fight.

"Steven!" 

Jasper broke down the front door to the beach house, looking angry. Peridot was clinging to her hair like a panicked koala.

"Guys? Did something happen at the barn?" Steven said cautiously. It could've been something minor, like Lapis refusing to leave the bottom of the pool again. Although, Steven hadn't seen them so out of sorts before.

"Yellow Diamond is preparing an attack on earth! WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE SHATTERED!" Peridot screeched as she waved her arms, forgetting she was perched on top of Jasper. The quartz easily caught her in one hand and continued explaining to Steven.

"Peridot fixed the transmitter to Yellow Diamond and we were going to use it to play Camp Pining Hearts really loud, but we picked up a conversation between Homeworld and a whole fleet of gems. They're going to try to wipe us out!" Jasper growled.

Steven gasped. "Oh man, this is bad. We gotta find Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl! And a whole lot more rose cannons!"

Jasper nodded, heading towards the warp pad to search for the missing gems.

"I'll get the Crystal Gems. Stay here with Peridot and Lazuli. Don't do anything stupid, small fry."

Steven just grinned half heartedly at the nickname before turning back to Peri. He heard the warp pad activate behind him.

"Where's Lapis?"

Peridot wrung her hands nervously. "Outside. She didn't want to be too far from the ocean in case anything happened." 

Through the window he could see a blurry blue figure standing in the surf, staring into the sky. The ocean rolled dangerously though the weather was clear. The figure suddenly looked up at him and held out a thumbs up.

"What do we do until Jasper gets back?" Steven asked after he pulled his face away from the window.

Peridot shrugged then eyed the microwave thoughtfully.

"Well... we could build a multifunctional weapon of some sort. I highly doubt you humans have anything close to Homeworld warfare weaponry, but I can do my best."

Steven looked at the microwave and lowered his head, shedding a single tear. "It must be done."

Peridot gleefully hopped on the counter. She grabbed the appliance and pulled.

The warp pad activated a few moments later, indicating Jasper had returned. Steven raced towards his guardians. 

"Garnet! Is everything going to be okay? Is Yellow Diamond really sending other gems here?"

Garnet clenched her jaw. "Yes. But don't worry Steven, we're going to fight them. Just like ever other time."

This brought Steven's thought train to a new station. The other time Homeworld had sent gems, it had been Lapis, Peridot, and Jasper. He looked at the afore mentioned.

Lapis was still watching the sky for any sign of a threat. Pearl was scolding Peridot, Amethyst, and Jasper for breaking the stove. Two of them were trying to argue it was needed to build to weapon to protect him, and the purple quartz was disasembling the kitchen sink.

"What... what if we shouldn't fight?" Steven replied quietly, with a concerned look on this face.

The room went silent. 

And then erupted into yelling again.

"Steven, what do you mean not fight?!" Pearl said in alarm.

"ARE YOU CRACKED?!" Peridot added, pulling her hair.

"We aren't going to just let these clods win!" Jasper thundered and scooped up Steven.

"They tried to KILL US." Amethyst emphasised.

Steven squirmed in the biggest gem's arms. He wiggled onto her head, making himself the tallest in the room. 

"Just listen! The last time Homeworld sent an attack force, they turned out alright. I mean, if we'd just bubbled Jasper and Lapis and Peridot, we wouldn't even know that Yellow Diamond was attacking right now."

The others looked at each other in grudging agreement.

"He's right," Garnet said, tilting her shades the way an anime character would. "There are a few ways we can avoid confrontation with the Homeworld gems."

"But they tried to KILL US! Garnet, you can't seriously be saying they don't want to shatter us like on sight?" Amethyst interjected. 

"They do," the fusion answered calmly, "But we can make them see reason. It might even be the best way to handle this."

Jasper grumbled in annoyance. Pearl looked doubtful. Amethyst crossed her arms. Peridot glanced outside and nodded slowly.

"If it'll keep he- us from getting shattered, I'm in."

"If Garnet says so then I guess..." Pearl relented.

"This is nuts," Amethyst said, but shook her head and smiled at Steven.

Jasper still looked against it. Her face set in a hard scowl.

Steven slid down to her arms. "C'mon, Jasper, for me?"

"Don't you remember last time, little man? There was only me and Peri and we almost won. There's a lot more now, a whole battalion. They won't be taking prisoners."

The tone of the conversation became tense, like a toothpick about to snap.

Steven looked Jasper in the eye. "We're stronger than them. That's why we won the first time. We're strong in the real way. We can do this together."

Jasper stared at him for a moment. "Okay. Whatever you want, small fry."

Steven smiled widely and dropped to the ground. "Alright, team! We need to fix this feud between earth and Homeworld once and for all!"

Peridot finished duct taping the microwave back into its spot. "But how? This war has been going on for thousands of years! There's no end in sight!"

"We just gotta believe," the young boy said with stars in his eyes. "We'll use the opposite of hate to block out all this hate. Something that is the answer to everything..."

His eyes landed on Pearl chewing her thumb nervously and Jasper attentively watching him.

"That's it! Jasper! Pearl!" They blinked. "You're standing next to each other."

Pearl gave a slightly disgusted glance to the small space in between her and the beefy gem. "So we are."

Jasper grunted.

"You two could pretend to be in love! Homeworld would be so amazed that a high ranking quartz and a pearl are together that they'd realize how silly Homeworld rules are and everyone would live happily ever after!" Steven announced his plan. Immediantly, Amethyst began laughing.

"I could never-!" Pearl squawked at the same time Jasper shouted, "ME AND A PEARL?"

They both looked at each other.

"Hey, what's that suppose to mean?" They said simultaneously.

Steven pouted. "Aw, guys, c'mon. I'm sure it will work."

"Even if it would, (which I highly doubt) I have a special someone already so I can't," Pearl said, a dark blue blush staining her cheeks.

"You do?" Peridot asked in disbelief. Amethyst laughed harder and slapped the green gem's shoulder so hard she face planted.

Pearl blushed harder. "Yes, of course, I do! We had a whole episode about it. I ran away from the cops and drank juice. Amethyst, stop laughing, you were there!"

Steven wasn't going to give up easily though. The fans depended on him. 

"It's only pretend, Pearl. And you're one of the greatest actresses I know!"

Garnet placed a hand on Pearl's shoulder. The pale gem looked around hesitantly before sighing. She leveled her gaze on Jasper. 

"If you're okay with this..."

Jasper wrinkled her nose, quickly wiping the expression away when Steven nudged her.

"I'm only doing this for Steven," she said as she crossed her arms and hunched over.

"So the plan's all set! Pearl and Jasper pretend to love each other, Homeworld realizes how silly they've been, and everything works out."

"Something like that," Garnet agreed, smiling at her family.

There was a moment of silence.

"Also, someone should probably tell Lapis the plan."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis shows up to be "helpful", Pearl tries to drown herself, and Jasper fangirls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *peeks in*  
> Oh. It's... it's been a really long time. But I finished the second chapter of this monstrosity.

Lapis looked at Jasper, who snarled and crossed her arms.

She looked at Pearl, who pursed her lips and stared at the floor.

"This is a terrible plan," Lapis said.

Steven pouted and she ruffled his hair affectionately. "It's not your fault, Steven. Jasper and Pearl are too stiff around each other."

Garnet adjusted her glasses. "Don't give up just yet. Maybe all they need is a little coaching."

He perked up. "Hey! I'm the best at coaching people!"

"Steven," Pearl began, "I doubt we need any training on how to act civil around each other. Well, maybe Jasper does."

Jasper snorted, as if the idea was implausible. "I can act civil-er than you can any day."

"Civil-er isn't a word," Pearl pointed out tightly. The quartz easily four times her mass glared down at her.

"Are you challenging me?"

"Oh please, it would hardly be a challenge. You couldn't be polite for more than five seconds."

"Only because you were programmed to be polite, pearl."

"Why you little-!"

Lapis interrupted with a deadpanned, "We're doomed."

Steven had to agree. It seemed as if Jasper and Pearl would never get along. 

"Stop it, you two," Garnet said as she stepped between them. "If we're going to protect earth and get rid of Homeworld, you're going to have to learn to get along."

"Or at least have hot, angry make-out sessions after you fight," Lapis said, pulling a magazine from between the couch cushions and giving it a once over.

"Lapis! Do you have to be so lewd?!" Pearl scolded as Steven tried not to die of awkwardness. The ocean gem shrugged.

"She's not wrong," Garnet said. 

Pearl's face was mostly a dark blue blush now. "I am not... having relations with that- that brute!"

"Rude," Jasper muttered, avoiding eye contact with the smaller gem.

"Okay!" Steven interrupted quickly, waving his arms, "We want to show Homeworld love, not scar me for life."

Lapis turned the magazine sideways and let the pages flip out. "Isn't Garnet a relationship? Just un-fuse."

The fusion snatched the magazine away, bubbled it, and sent it to the temple. "Yes, and no. This will be good bonding for Pearl and Jasper."

"I was looking at those, you know," Lapis grumbled, sinking into the couch.

"Enough talk!" Jasper said with a growl. "Let's just get this over with."

Pearl sucked in a breath and nodded. "For once, I agree. Let's begin."

Steven jumped up, crawling onto Jasper's shoulders with a grin. "To the beach so we don't break Steven's tv again!"

With all the group outside, (minus Lapis who had flown up to bother/help Peridot watch for Homeworld ships) they could begin. Steven cleared his throat.

"Okay now," he said turning to Pearl and Jasper. "Real couples compliment each other. Pearl, give Jasper a compliment!"

"Right, of course." She turned to the quartz and squinted. "You... are large," Pearl said with a hand wave.

Jasper beamed, flexing. "Like what you see, eh?"

Pearl turned blue again and started walking towards the ocean. "I am going to drown myself now."

Garnet and Steven sighed. This was going to take a lot of work.  
While Garnet tried to convince Pearl to come out of the ocean, Greg's van pulled up.

"Okay, the whole town's evacuated. How're the love birds doing?" Amethyst said, slidding off the top of the van. Connie exited the passenger side and slung the huge Rose Quartz sword over her shoulder. Greg looked pale.

"Not so good. Maybe this was a bad plan after all," Steven replied. Amethyst nudged him.

"Don't look so blue, Stu. Pearl an' Jasper will come around eventually," she said. 

"Yeah, kiddo, I'm sure this will all work out. But, just in case, I brought you this bear spray. This other gem has eyes, right?" Greg added, concerned, as he handed his son a can.

"Mr. Universe, I don't think that will stop all the Homeworld soldiers that are coming ," Connie said a little reluctantly.

"THERE'S GOING TO BE MORE THAN ONE?!" He shouted, blanching.

"Uh, yeah, Dad. They're bringing a whole squad," Steven said. Peridot screamed down from top of the temple that it was an entire battalion and they were all going to die.

"Oh. Well, I'm... sure you can handle it, son." Greg went back to the van, muttering about a drink. Connie and Amethyst took seats on the sand.

Garnet returned followed by a soggy, resentful Pearl. Jasper stood up, yawned, and brushed the sand off herself.

"I'm ready," Pearl announced, steeling herself. Then she glanced at the crowd that had gathered. "Do you three have to be here?"

"No," answered Connie, making no move to leave.

Steven drew their attention back to him. "Alright, that last exercise might have been taking it a little too quickly. Let's start slow."

Jasper and Pearl both nodded in relief.

"Tell us a little about yourself."

"How is this going to-" Jasper said, cut off as Garnet stared at her. "Uh. Never mind. Pearl, go first."

The lithe gem cleared her throat. "Well, I was made on Homeworld. I fought in the war for earth as Rose's lieutenant, we won, and now I'm here."

Jasper stared at her. 

"What... what is that? What are you doing? Garnet, help," Pearl said, backing away.

"You! You're Rose Quartz's infamous lieutenant?" The big gem screeched. "The one that lured an entire fleet of Quartz soldiers into a trap and defeated them single handedly?"

"They were Rubies, there was only six of them, and I used swords, not my hand," Pearl corrected.

Jasper looked amazed. "This whole time I've been in the presence of the Rebel Pearl and NOBODY TOLD ME? I can't believe it! THE REBEL PEARL!"

Steven sat down next to Connie, watching Jasper fangirl over Pearl. Amethyst leaned over to Garnet. 

"Uh, what just happened?"

"Pearl was pretty famous with the young gems during the war. They liked her... strategies," Garnet replied, eyes flicking over to Pearl's form as she acted out a battle.

Amethyst snorted. "'Strategies'. Yeah, okay."

**Author's Note:**

> As always, I'm barely awake when I write, so if you notice a mistake please tell me so I can fix it.  
> Hit that kudos button like Amethyst hits Pearl's butt. ;)


End file.
